I enjoy writing, and I enjoy sharing what I have with folks. I suppose that makes me an entertainer of sorts. I hope you can find something of mine that you enjoy and helps pass the time. Leave a comment, or not, the choice is yours.
Age 35, Female
Warrior
In a dark forest
Joined on 12/27/06
epic as always. like how Haley actually helped that guy rather than "eat i geuss the word for it would be.
will he be a major player in the story?
and where did you come up with "Jaskiewicz"?
can't wait for the 5th
and sorry to hear about your illness
Jaskiewicz is a Polish last name. Knew a guy named that. Everyone ended calling him Jay.
Sorry i didnt get commenting on part 3 i read trough all of them before i read this one... Loving the story so far.... oh yea and try sticking a brit in there.. everyone loves a cocky brit;) lol keep it coming..:)
Well... Haley's British.
Glad you are liking it in so far.
excellent writing, you are setting a very high standard for yourself. Have you though about contacting an animator to possibly bring life to your story?
No actually. And if anyone is interested I may write up a real quick prequel or some such for that. I'll keep in mind. After chapter five I'll have an intermission of sorts for News.
yeah that guys got a point^ have you considered an animator, i need to find a good one
i have not yet. But I keep my options open.
Hmm...must say, I'm quite impressed with this entry. It sure did keep my attention.
It sure is fascinating how each of the characters think, and how you distinguish that. For example, how Joe was just going to try to move on and forget about the fallen man, but Lila put him out of his misery.
Now, for criticism.
Found a typo, but then again, who doesn't make typos :)
I did find it strange how the soldier just let Haley take his stuff. Maybe he was just in the heat of the moment, but I would still be wary of looters.
Also, if he was looking at her when he shot (which he must have if he shot her), then why did he ask,"Are you hurt?" Just seemed a little odd.
I hope you keep making these! :)
Typos... yeah they still get through despite spellcheck and a quick overlook.
However, heat of the moment, and more concerned with survival is what had the soldier let Haley take his stuff. She had just put on a tourniquet.
As for the getting shot bit, he wouldn't have known if she was wearing armour or anything, and it was kind of instinctive questioning. It was also dark, maybe he didn't actually hit her.
However, they are things to keep in mind, perhaps make more clear, as I continue. I'm glad you are enjoying these in so far, and I do plan on continuing.
What can I say, great story, but I have one question. Were you watching "Blackhawk Down" when writing this?
I actually haven't seen that movie in a couple of years. However, I was thinking about it while writing the soldier sequence. I wanted to capture to feel that the movie portrayed. I still have to pick up the book some day...
What book would that be?
Black Hawk Down.
It was a book before it was a movie.
It's a better documentary than a book.
The movie wasn't a documentary though. They got facts wrong, while still capturing the feeling of warfare in 1993. Unless you are referring to something other than the movie directed by one Ridley Scott?
wait! back up for a minute! its a book?!?!
thats friggin awesome!!!
Yes, I can't remember the author right now, but it was a book that was more in depth than the movie was.
The real batlle itself was used through seens of the movie but that is not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is a program on History Channel that I think goes by the name of the "True Story of Blackhawk Down".
Hmm. Well I never saw that. History channel is usually pretty good though. However, I wouldn't knock the book just yet. I am going to be looking into it.
It's very rare for me to just read out of entertainment, often I need to be tied to a post before I comply but I really am enjoying this story. I'm becoming more drawn into to characters, I love the action and description and the flow is natural and comfortable.
A couple sentences that made me wince though:
"Oh God,' Lila said, moving closer to the man, while looking over at the zombie to ensure it was actually dead."
Either the word "while" or "looking", one of those words adds to much informality and breaks flow.
"He heard bones snapping, and turned around to see Lila crouched over the man, his head grasped gently in her hands. She had just snapped his neck."
I thought snapping his neck was anti-dramatic for the situation. I honestly laughed at that, just a sad moment of silence, then SNAP. I understand they need to ration ammo but the situation looked dire enough to spare a bullet... unless this woman with no background being able to properly sever a spinal column is a rhetoric tool, then I take back about the neck-snapping and tip my hat.
"As she moved through the foliage of the forest, somehow moving like a ghost,"
Too many movings.
I really do enjoy your writing greatly, and also great thanks for the private message informing me of the release date. I intend support this series until publication, which I will then purchase and read multiple times.
On a leaving note, I want to submit a fan request not with intentions of telling you how to write you story. I would like to see a character from a horde perspective, a sentient Zombie, capable of inner dialogue and conflict. He could serve as an alpha male to members of the mindless horde, adding a deeper structure and threat to the hordes than just see people, eat people. And in later chapters/parts, I would absolutely drool over the idea of an epic Vampire/Zombie dual.
If my request is rejected, I'll merely shrug it off and continue enjoying the story. It's nothing I take too seriously.
Thank you for your honest review. It always helps me improve. I am however glad that you are enjoying the story.
I have no defence against the first mistake you mentioned, nor the third. Those are things I will need to work upon.
As for the neck snapping, those two particular characters didn't actually have guns. I will go back and explain why she did what she did in the next chapter though.... or somewhere down the line.
As for publication. I doubt that's going to happen. I'll probably put this up on a few other websites, so this story is 100% free.
As for your request, the epic vampire/zombie duel I will probably do. The Alpha zombie I shall look into. You're right, it could be an interesting twist, and add more depth.
The documentary is done by the people that I think do "Shootout".
Interesting. I'll have to hunt it down somehow.
I don't have TV... so yeah.
oh yeah that would be sweet!
DX - weasel got a very good idea!
I shall indeed look into his ideas and see if they can fit into the weavings of this little tale.
THRILLER
ignore the last comment, i was on a Michel Jackson high
Ah I see.
.... awe-some! can't wait for part 5. you should see if someone could animate this!
Lol, so I've been told. But I am glad you are enjoying.
Yeah, well I guess that be a problem unless you found the documentary on DVD.
Indeed. Which is doubtful. Oh well.
If you got a chance, watch it.
Like I said. I will.
tese stories are intrging ever thought of writing a book? because i think u have great potential:D
Though about it, but at the same time, would rather just provide stuff for you folks online.
Glad you are enjoying the story though.
xellon2
will there be a part 5 because this is excellent
sinfulwolf
There will be indeed.